He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Randomize
