at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
