Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
