your parents love me but you hate me
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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