I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
