dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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