Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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