can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
