I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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