So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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