life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
