every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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