My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
