You're a womanizer and a bitch.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
