I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
