Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You ruined the universe
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
