I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
