dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
