I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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