I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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