Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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