This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
