did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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