I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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