I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
