I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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