i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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