So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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