I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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