made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.