Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her