Soap is not a condiment
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
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Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
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I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy