my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
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I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
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when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.