I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
