You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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