I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
