remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
