my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
