Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
