Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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