man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
