dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
