I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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