i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
