What a fucking waste of an outfit
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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