never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
