those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
