I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
