he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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