Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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