I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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