So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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