He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
