6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
