I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
