you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
