It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
