I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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