If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm sobbing to NWA
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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